His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
my liver is dry heaving
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
