Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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