wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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