you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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