I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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