I think I am morally bankrupt
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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