he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
