She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
