Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
