Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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