So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
