You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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