Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
