Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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