So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
