I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
