I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
