We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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