Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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