he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
