Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
