I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
