i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
