Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
