I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
