just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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