remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
