Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
