Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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