last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize