made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
