I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
