If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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