I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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