I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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