all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
