: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
