So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
