I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
