I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
