the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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