I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
