My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
