I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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