I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
