oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
