i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
