Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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