I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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