Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
