I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
