I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
