You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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