you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
