I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
