Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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