I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
