also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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