I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
