Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All I want is dick and wine.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
