He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
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people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm like, not good at living.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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