apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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