I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
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Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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